Understanding Betrayal

There are many types of betrayal such as revealing secrets, cheating, and financial betrayal. Most people wonder what they did to deserve being betrayed, and my answer is always nothing. You did absolutely nothing wrong. No one deserves to be betrayed. All betrayals have the same pattern, and, sadly, they almost always blindside the betrayed. All betrayals begin with trust building. The betrayer does not always intend to betray. Sometimes, the betrayer has every intention of being worthy of the trust they are given. Most betrayers have every intention of keeping confidence and being trustworthy. There are some that are serial cheaters and liars. Even if the person who betrayed you had done it before, it is not your fault. Even serial betrayers believe themselves capable of being trustworthy. Understanding this should create the foundation to forgive yourself.

The self-recrimination post betrayal and feeling caught out or foolish is normal but needs to be limited to limit the injury of the betrayal. Healing begins when you stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault that someone fooled you. Being fooled does not mean you are a fool. These are two very different things. Accepting that you are not to blame is essential. You were betrayed because you do not have perfect knowledge. No one has perfect knowledge. There is nothing about you that made you deserving of being betrayal. My hope is that you do not let this betrayal close you off and that you continue to live life with an open heart. It is inevitable that this betrayal will change you, but limiting how it changes you is important. Reviewing the situation and truly accepting it was not your fault will help you trust yourself again.

I have the unique view that forgiveness of the person who betrayed you is not necessary for you to heal. I think making a decision about how the relationship will be moving forward and owning your decision, whether it be to cut ties or give a second or fifth chance. How to decide what to do is about pros and cons. Do the pros of the relationship make it worth the risk of being betrayed in the future? There is a 50/50 chance that they will betray you again, and it may be that the relationship is worth the risk even if it turns out badly. There is also the chance that staying in the dynamic will allow you to get healing and then you decide to move on. As long as you are decisive in your decision making, you can move forward towards healing. If the person who hurt you is not able to support your process, accepting that it will be a solo process is paramount. When exploring and deconstructing your pain, give yourself boundaries and goals to limit your time in the deepest parts of the pain. Pay attention to good days and happy moments. Focus on the parts of your life not impacted by the betrayal. Decide how to process the pain and know that this is not your forever.

Posted on 01 May 2023 05:13

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